Children and Divorce

Your children are not your children,

they are the sons and the daughters of life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but they are not from you,

and though they are with you, they belong not to you.

Kahlil Gibran, the Prophet

The soul connection between parents and children is unquestionably the most profound spiritual and psychological cord we carry during our lifetime. That’s why there is no such thing as divorcing your children! The attempt to divorce a child from their other parent is an affront to the soul of that child. We cannot know what sacred covenants have been made between our children and their other parent. Short of keeping them safe from physical harm, we must not judge what it is they receive or give in that other relationship. This may be a great test of faith, trust and patience for some. Take the test!

A good divorce that involves children does not mean “putting the children first.” I distrust this phrase, for it is simply an invitation for parents to start manipulating, consciously or unconsciously, so that the child’s so-called best interests to look very much like that parent’s deep desire. Mothers, who are so closely identified with their children, are particularly prone to this self-deception. (I’m a mother and I know.) The fact is, you cannot know for certain what is the best for the soul of another human being. You can only know what is highest right for yourself, in this moment. If you believe, as many traditions teach, that souls choose each other prior to birth as parents and children then you can trust that by staying true to your own soul you will ultimately be doing the best thing for all concerned.

Show your love! This is the single greatest gift you can give your child or any other person. Be honest with your own feelings – sharing within appropriate boundaries of a child’s age and emotional maturity. Don’t feel you have to “make it up” to your child in some fashion. It is not Nature’s way to leave lives untouched by sorrow, challenge or strife. Life in a gilded cage is not living. Whatever the question, bringing love and wisdom to bear will reveal the best answer for you and your children.

Rev. Rebecca Armstrong